It has been an emotional rollercoaster ride the past three days. It feels like it has been the longest three days of my life except when I was in the hospital going through chemotherapy. I find myself in a place of listening to Brene Brown repeatedly. She is a voice of reason, a reminder that I made a commitment to ‘live into my values.’
The pedophile of my childhood molesting is finally behind bars. He has several victims that he has abused physically, emotionally, mentally, financially, and spiritually. He took advantage of an MS patient after he groomed her. This was why he lost his temper with my mother and used her for a battering ram against the stairway walls in 2002. Mom tried to stand up for her patients.
Lloyd sees himself as being smarter than everyone else. He’s a legend in his own mind. He’s also extremely talented at making himself look like a victim of the victims he has violated. He has never, once, ever taken accountability for anything from my experience. Maybe there are others that have seen him accept fault for something he did. I’ve never been witness to that.
Brene’s ‘Living Into Our Values,’ is reminding me that I have commitments to meet. First, I have a commitment to my husband to keep going and keep growing. I made a commitment to live my values and it’s a challenge when we have lived a lifetime of invalidated rape, childhood molestation, psychological abuse, mental manipulation, fiscal abuse, and murder.
There are rollercoaster emotional moments and it’s difficult to believe that he will ever be held accountable for what he did to so many of us. The burden of proof has always been on us victims from the smallest violation to the most grievous.
For now, at this moment, I am living into my values to pull me through. He took so much from so many of us and, for now, my values are the pillars I can lean on.