There are times when looking into the past reminds us of the lessons that were learned. It’s a good way to measure the efficacy of our boundaries. Is it unhealthy or healthy? What was happening that we were inspired to post something? Have we grown from it or are we perpetuating an unhealthy cycle?
During a lesson with my trainer, I was already spinning. Something that has started since an experience that triggered a cascading event. I want so much to say that I’m okay. I want so much to default to what is comfortable.
What’s comfortable is my propensity to tell myself to buck up, man up, get over it and just be happy. My horse, in contrast, reacts to that desire with the demand to show me that I’m lying to myself and therefore, lying to him.
Taking a moment to try to control the spinning and the buzzing, to try to prevent myself from passing out or expelling all body fluids from all exits because I’m making myself observe my default behaviors that have exacerbated this has been an interesting journey. (*whew* that was a long sentence wasn’t it?)
However, I recognize that I’m on the right path because it’s showing up in my horse. His tests are showing the changes I’ve been working on and things are starting to feel different. It doesn’t make it easy. I sure wish it was.
My trainer noticed the changes immediately and the dialogue between my horse and I are different. We’re making progress and our conversations are of a different nature now. This time, instead of shoving my feelings into the closet and defaulting to false bravado–there’s a willing partner that is very much in the now.
As I am reminded by Facebook of the past, I can see milestone markers of what brought me here today. It’s a rough patch trying to wade through the emotions that I would rather mask and my equine family member is teaching me what I need to learn about myself to really learn how to manage the truth.
The truth, in our minds, can be something we have convinced ourselves of when the truth is something completely different. We love to believe ourselves because of our agenda. “I just want to…”
Sometimes, we fail to listen to our inner child and make it more about the agenda. So we lie to ourselves. “I just want to…” Okay. That’s fine. But what does that inner child really need? Are we listening? Are we listening to understand? The horses tell us the truth.
